Why She Left

A couple of years ago I wrote a post explaining why someone like Nigella Lawson, smart, beautiful and successful, might stay with a man who is abusive.

Today, based on that list, I will share some of the reasons why someone might opt to end a relationship with an abuser:

• She's concerned about the impact living in such a poisonous environment is having on her children.
• She's seen her children fall victim to some of the tactics used on her.
• She knows now what this is- she's had support from people and professionals who've helped her to identify the mind games and manipulation.
• She has the support of those who have known and cared for her all her life.
• She knows that she deserves a better life.
• She's almost 40 and the thought of waking up at 45 still living like this turns her stomach.
• She's still afraid, but has clarity of thought, is still guilty about her children but is free from obligation to a grown adult.
• She's liberated from focussing on his concerns, needs, complaints, wants. She's giving nothing more.
• She has had enough of the incidents, explosions, hurts and humiliations.
• She started to keep track of what was happening.
• The emotional bond she once had to him has broken. That last link finally snapped.
• She welcomes change, knows things will be hard but will improve with time.
• She would rather be alone than with the wrong person.
• She's immune to the apologies, promises that he loves her, that he'll change and do whatever it takes to make things OK.
• The false hope has finally died.
• She retains her values and principles and knows that she couldn't have fought any harder to make it work.
• She wants to enjoy life.

It can be difficult when you're enmeshed to find clarity and make concrete plans. For anyone who is lost in a fog of fear, guilt and anxiety- get help from a domestic abuse organisation. They will help you to make plans and stay as safe as possible. 

Ryan Movie Maker

I asked Ryan if I could write a blog post about him and as long as he didn't have to write anything himself he was happy enough. So I'm going to try to tell you about my boy and think the best way is to share some of his creations.

He has always loved films and PC games and has been fascinated by all the different characters. He has learnt so much from wanting to find out more about his favourite characters from Disney films, Thomas the Tank Engine and even Kinder egg toys. He learned to type, read and write because he wanted to be able to Google their names, he learned colours and numbers from Thomas and his Friends. In the past few years he's become fascinated by cinema and is working on a few feature films of his own that he's convinced will be shown in our local cinemas at some stage. We go see a film together at least once a week (and thank the stars for the Cinema Exhibitors Card allowing his carer free entry) and he knows and is known by almost all the staff. In one cinema they even arranged for him to visit the projection room a couple of times. He takes photos of each screen after the movie ends and knows in which screen of which cinema on which date and with whom he saw every film he's ever seen.

Ticket for Ryan's forthcoming Minecraft movie

He's also kindly detailed running order of ads and trailers for the benefit of the cinemas and has a poster letting us know who else is involved in this work of creative genius:

Most recently he's been animating a Minecraft movie in association with Pixar. The boy thinks big! He's even adapted the Pixar logo to fit.

He has also invented a load of new characters and has been making films about their trials for a while too. My favourite thing about these folk is the "wiki" style character breakdowns he created (click each picture to read):

All about King Elton

All about Malcurtis Eves

All about Zunarmny- best bit of this is his dislikes ;-)

He definitely prefers the bad guys, I mean look at those lists of personality attributes! I've had to explain what they all mean lately so we've had lots of talks about character and how people think, feel and behave. It's all very high concept stuff but when he asks the questions, he's ready to learn.

He spends hours working on these and I am quite happy to let him indulge in his hobby. I love how he draws the characters and then creates their Minecraft version:

I enjoy the detail he inserts in his images, most of which seem to focus on sword fights and desperate battles! 

That's Robin Hood 3D (Ryan's alter ego) fighting the evil Zunarnmy- IN HELL!!!

I'm sharing just 2 of his more recent creations. First we'll see Merida battling the evil Lord Elton:

 

And let's end with the grisly demise of one of the bad guys: 

So that's a snippet of what Ryan has been at when he's working away on his laptop. I don't know what what he'd be at now if he wasn't autistic- but that would mean the Ryan I have and love wouldn't exist so I really would never want to find out. 

Blog Update

This post might be a one off. Time will tell.

Each of the children are now attending school full time. Lady (now 12) started secondary school in September. It is going well for her. She had been concerned that she would find the work too difficult and didn't fully believe my assertions that she would cope well with everything expected of her. She lacked confidence in her abilities and thought my judgement of her worth wasn't objective enough to trust. She now knows for herself that she is smart, a good learner, flexible, social and far more organised that even I thought she'd be and this has boosted her self esteem. There are aspects of school life that she dislikes and many that exasperate me but the current system means that if you chose the school option, you get these things along with it. Lady is happy and the advantages for her and all of us outweigh the disadvantages so to school she goes.

Thomas (now 8) is in the same primary school he started just after Easter. He is happy too. He is so dedicated and conscientious, he works hard and still loves PE best. Like Lady he had made new friends. His school is across the road from a country train station just one stop away from the station 10 minutes walk from our house so he takes the train to and from school on his own every day. He enjoys the feeling of independence and personal responsibility.

Both of them are still in the gymnastics squad. Thomas left the men's artistic team and like Lady he now does acro gymnastics and tumbling. Lady is also in the cheerleading team and competes in an all-Ireland competition later this month. They are thriving.

Duncan (10) is also at school- one for children with severe learning disabilities so he gets the right level of adult support. I could not be more pleased with the school, his teacher and the other classroom staff. Duncan adores it and talks about it all the time. He tells me about his friends in the class and what they do each day. He is having a total blast. Today he will have gone horse riding for the 2nd time. The report back in his home-school diary last week was that he is a natural and loved the whole experience. He thinks he's Cowboy Woody so here's hoping he doesn't try to gallop off! Not just yet anyway. Every Friday they go swimming. They have had a magician and the Ulster Orchestra to perform for them. They've been on outings to the airport, to sheepdog trials, to the wetland centre and aquarium. Duncan loves going places.

I was prompted to write today to record the meeting myself and his dad had this morning with Duncan's teacher about his individual education plan. His teacher is obviously a perceptive person as she is utterly enchanted by Duncan. She realises he is very capable academically and is keen to encourage and enable him to be the best he can be. She thinks his little animations are so clever-she says that she is convinced that one day he'll be famous! - and that he is such a loving, happy and kind boy. She talked about all the ways they are helping him to progress in his self control, communication and understanding. It was a most positive and helpful meeting. I only just realised that neither of us mentioned the word autism once- we didn't need to. We both know that Duncan's autism is just part of all the amazing, astonishing, at times infuriating and always awesome way that he is so we only needed to talk about him and his environment and how to reduce the barriers he faces to be well.

Here's his latest video.

Trying School

Lady and Thomas were taken by their dad to visit the local Integrated primary school last Tuesday and both liked it so much that they decided they would go to try it out. So after I spoke on the phone with the school principal, we've arranged that they will start this Thursday so they go for a couple of days before the Easter break. I'll be visiting the school myself tomorrow morning to look around and meet with the P4 and P7 teachers to talk about what they do and to tell them about my children.

Lady's decision came as a complete shock; she announced a few days ago she wanted to visit the school with the others. She had previously always been adamant when questioned that she was not at all interested in going back to school for the foreseeable future. But she just realised that she wants to try out primary school again before she's too old. So, fair enough, off she goes.

Thomas has been thinking for a while about going to school for the first time in his life. He'd originally said he'd start next autumn term so we could all enjoy the summer together instead of being stuck in a classroom for the few months we have a year when the weather is half decent. But after seeing the school he changed his mind and wants to go right away.

We're trying to decide how best to arrange how to travel to and from school. It's one stop away from here on the train and they could easily manage to travel there and back together but I have a notion that wouldn't be allowed by the train company; unaccompanied minors etc. They could walk, cycle or use a scooter and go along the coastal path. Or I could copy almost all the other parents and drive them there.

I hope they enjoy this experience. I still think home education is a better way for children to learn; school is so very inefficient and takes up such a huge portion of children's lives, especially when you consider that even after they have spent almost all day in school, they then have homework to do. I don't know how the children will manage all their activities; Tuesday - Thomas has gymnastics then jujitsu, Wednesday - they both do gymnastics, Thursday - Lady has 2 gymnastics classes and Thomas goes to Beavers, Friday - Lady goes to the local youth club and the gymnastics coach told me yesterday she wants Thomas to start a class on Fridays soon, Saturday - Thomas does jujitsu and hurling and Lady has cheer leading, Sunday - Thomas does gymnastics. How are they going to have time to spend with their family, go to school, do homework, continue their sports and activities, play and hang out with friends, chill out and read/watch tv/learn an instrument/master a computer game/draw a picture/write a letter or blog post? How does everyone manage without bursting from the pressure?

I do want them to enjoy it and to gain from the experience. They are free to remain at school if they so choose, but if, having given it a good couple of months, they decide they want to be home educated again then they will be deregistered. This is not now the most straightforward of manoeuvres as some of the education boards are trying to fool parents wanting to home educate that legislation exists (it doesn't) to prevent the deregistration process.

I am keen to know exactly what they make of the whole thing, and think that for Thomas especially, he'll either love it or hate it. I don't expect him to merely tolerate it. Lady only wants to go for one term but she may discover that she wants to go on to secondary school too in which case I will have to try to find a place for her in one of the schools not requiring a pass on the transfer test.

I'll be here for them no matter what and boost them and help them know what they need and how to get it. Duncan and I will have more time together and that's always nice, though he may be going to school some time soon himself. Until he does (if he does) he's going to miss his siblings terribly.

The Princess and the Frog

The film was released here just after we left for our holiday and it had been out for so long in the US that it was no longer shown in most cinemas. So keen as were (me and Lady anyway!) to see this, we just had to wait until we got home again. So a few days ago we headed off the local cinema for a bit of old fashioned Disney animated goodness. Now I am aware that Disney films are not all peachy and contain heaps of patriarchy pushing and much outright racism but I like, even love most of them, flaws and all. OK so Ariel has some twisted ambitions, Cinderella is so wet and pathetic and Belle falls for a creature who locks up first her dad and then her and shouts and is cruel, but I'll overlook these things, they can happen to any of us.

As usual in the cinema I sat by Duncan. He took a while to get involved in the story but I fell for it right away. It looks beautiful and Tiana is such an engaging, feisty character. I didn't care much for the prince, even after he'd been improved (as is always the case in these films) by his association with our smart wee waiter woman. Having watched a few of the preview trailers last year (and following some of the controversy about how race was depicted in the film) I was dreading the appearance of the firefly Ray but he was lovely and his love of the star was sweet and his role at the movie's end really touching. The bad guy, who uses the spirits to advance himself and whom we know will meet a sticky end before the credits role, was well realised too, and the spirits were bloody spooky and menacing.

We all enjoyed it. I liked the music and Duncan definitely favoured Ray. So much so that when an unfortunate event occurs near the end, he was really saddened and even angered and said very loudly, "Where is Ray?" He was properly concerned. I tried to comfort him with some theory or other about where Ray had gone but he saw right through me. Then he declared, "Ray is not a star, get Ray back NOW!" Thankfully the cinema was almost empty, but even if it hadn't been, I hardy think his expressing deep feelings about the action would have bothered anyone. He cried for a while later that night and I talked to him about it all. Then he said he wasn't sad any more and that was that.

I was predisposed to like this film. I have to admit I did want to see a beautiful black woman become a Disney Princess in a classic tale and moreover, for my brown-skinned daughter to see someone other than the typical Disney gal depicted. On our last morning at Disney World we happened across the Tiana and Naveen characters meeting people. There was a short line so see them so I approached to wait too but was told they had closed the line and asked to return an hour later. Too bad I thought. But then the staff member (cast member they're called over there!) decided to allow us on in. So a few minutes later the children were meeting Tiana and Naveen who were absolutely lovely and chatted with them for ages. Lady did OK with handsome Naveen's arm on her shoulder all along while Duncan had the pretty lady (and he likes the pretty ones!) hold his hand all the time.


We big people joined the children for a photo next and I positioned myself next to the prince.


When we'd finished they walked off regally, the Tiana character waving and smiling at all the gobsmacked little girls. It was sweet and I am not so cynical that I didn't get a warm feeling when a little girl of 4 or so stopped to stare at the princess who looked like her.

Orlando Holiday: Part 1 The Flight

We rose early on Tuesday morning and piled cases, wheelchairs and bodies into the car bound for Dublin airport. Once parked and in the airport, we'd only a short wait to drop of our bags then through security. So far, so fantastic. Duncan used his wheelchair (occasionally recreationally- see video!) though he did jump out every so often before sprinting after whatever took his fancy. No doubt folk observing were wondering what we were about, but sure, we're used to that!



We were delighted to spot my sister at the departure gate. Now we had the full crew the holiday really was on course. When the plane was ready we were allowed to board early. Duncan sat at the window, me to his right, his dad and Thomas in front (in case he kicked the seat!) and Lady and my sister across the aisle from me. It was just right. Best of all each passenger had a personal entertainment system in the seat back. Duncan started to watch Disney films straight off, with his ear defenders over the ear phones.

The Aer Lingus crew were fantastic. After take off we were told that the empty bulkhead seats were ours for the taking if we wanted them. We decided to stay put, even though they had more leg room, since it wasn't worth disrupting what was working so far.

Before long Duncan opted to simply listen to children's TV theme tunes and soon after that he set his screen to show the route map which he followed for hours! The journey took over 9 hours and in all that time he was just as perfect as I could possibly have hoped for. As always, Thomas and Lady were helpful and relaxed, and enjoyed the films and games on offer.

Just one incident marred the experience. Sitting behind me were 2 elderly men whom I presume from their accents were from the USA. They both slept for a few hours. Unfortunately I was assaulted at regular intervals by the most foul stench of someone's intestinal gases escaping and the pungency and direction of the attack strongly suggested one or both of these dudes was the culprit. But hey, when you're on an aeroplane you have to put up with whatever you're next to so I set the air blower things in my row to maximum and tried to breathe through my mouth. Then a couple of hours before landing Duncan started to move the window shutter next to him. He put it up, then a minute later shut it, and for a while he played at opening and closing it. He wasn't making much noise and the shutter wasn't shared with another row. He wasn't causing any harm and I was keeping a close eye to see if I needed to move him on to something else. Then I heard the men behind us talking and they were complaining to each other about the shutter thing, saying they wished he'd make up his mind and leave it alone. I was a bit surprised and caught my sister's eye. She sighed and rolled her eyes at the cranky old guys. Then I heard something I couldn't ignore. The one behind Duncan said (and I didn't catch it all exactly) "...I'd choke him..." and I knew he was referring to Duncan. I said to my sister who looked outraged, "did I just hear that right?!" She said that yes, she'd heard him too. I turned around and looked him in the eye, "excuse me, what was that you just said about my son?" He wasn't so forthright when he was challenged; "oh, nothing...I was just talking about the light. It's OK."
"You were talking about my son. He is disabled, he is autistic and he is doing the best he can. In fact, he is being bloody fantastic."
"Yes, yes. It's OK."

I wanted to say something to the crew but since I wasn't sure what else he's said, besides I'd choke him which I'd heard loud and clear, I left it. But I was a bit shaken. It was extra nice when a few minutes later another old Irish man who was queuing next to our seat for the sandwich sale, started chatting and asked about Duncan saying what a great boy he was. Better yet, 2 of the crew approached me to chat and commended Duncan in the most complimentary way saying he had been just wonderful and he was such a credit to us and what a lovely, happy child he is and it was a pleasure having us on board. Mr Nasty can't help but have heard.
My sister told me later that she'd heard the whole thing clearly. He'd said, "if he was my son I'd have choked him by now." Cruel sod. I pity the children he may have had and hope karma bites him hard on the ass.

But onwards. The descent was hard on Duncan. His ears hurt and despite our best efforts (together with kind offers of sweets and olbas oil drops from the crew and other, nicer passengers sitting close) he couldn't or wouldn't take anything. I just held him and whispered comforting words and he cried until he were almost down. But this too passed. We disembarked and were able to go follow airport staff through the disabled passengers' line at immigration. We even had a friendly immigration officer! We were all tired out but managed to keep it together until we'd got our cases (both times) and picked up the hire car.

We'd more than survived the journey, we'd enjoyed it.

Forest Tracks

We took a walk through the forest. Duncan elected to ride in his wheelchair. It's just the right size for him and he's pretty comfortable in it, thank goodness. It's not really designed for forest tracks but as long as we kept on the bigger and smoother paths we were fine. He got out and ran about now and then too, and they all had a good splash about in the burn. Lady told me stories about all the forest residents; fairies, sprites and goddesses in the trees and water and the two warring werewolf tribes, the protectors and the flesh eaters. Apparently ivy and holly repel the flesh-eaters and the few scraps of cloth we spotted caught in the bushes were left over when the wolves transform. She and her cousin A. thought all this up, with the help no doubt of Harry Potter, Twilight and I think, some Enid Blyton stuff thrown into the mix.

Duncan trying out his wheelchair. Though he looks kind of worried, he was very content!

Duncan was wearing an old pair of Lady's glasses. They have blue frames so help him look more like his hero Chuckie Finster

Lady and Thomas test their wellies and prove that so long as the water doesn't rise above the rim, your socks stay dry.

Duncan finds that chucking stones into water can be a most satisfying pursuit.

The dog was in heaven dashing about sniffing out the holes and burrows and avoiding the water as much as she could. I panicked a bit when 3 sheep ran out on the other bank close to her: they must have got out of their field. Thankfully she came to heel and I was able to clip her lead back on without her running after them. Poor Duncan was a bit stressed but soon cheered up when we set of in the direction of the Spar and he got his hands on the first Creme Egg of the season.

Later Thomas had gymnastics for 2 hours; squad training. He came out with yet another trophy. We joked about how all this winning was just getting boring now. Then I took him off to his 2nd Tuesday class, an hour of jujitsu. Lady has dropped this one but Thomas still loves it. He's a green belt now. I can see him sticking with it all the way to black. He's an ambitious wee lad, and hard working, unlike his Mam.

Social Story Video for Flying with Duncan

Duncan has been a bit anxious about flying to Orlando. He's been asking that we fly with Flybe and Virgin, the 2 airlines we used last time when we flew via London. He kept saying, "no Aer Lingus!" and I didn't push it. A few nights ago I was lying beside him in bed and looking at pictures on my laptop. He was looking on. I started looking at Aer Lingus aeroplanes and he asked to have a closer look. Then he wanted to watch videos about Aer Lingus so we YouTubed for a while; ended up watching a cheesy ad I remember from my childhood, showing the cabin crew as comely maidens clad all in green and the pilots as dudes of a certain age; abounding in wisdom and reliability. In fact as soon as you got on board, you were as good as home.

Duncan enjoyed it anyway. He'll probably be asking me to download the soundtrack for The Mission next.

Yesterday I asked him if he would help me make a film about going to Orlando. He agreed so I powered up Windows Movie Maker and sat by him. He immediately suggested the appropriate music, "Here comes the sun" by The Beatles. He's used that song before! I thought it was an excellent choice so we went on from there, adding text and pictures. He insisted on including the train picture at the end!

(I've already ordered the train from ebay so will slip it into our luggage and take it with us to save the stress of trying to find it out there. I only hope it's enough to distract him from his original idea of buying a cuckoo clock at Epcot- so expensive and delicate!)

Planning for Disney World with Autism: The Flight

We've done this before so I have a better idea of what I need to improve to make this flight across the Atlantic as painless as it can be for everyone. Last time we flew via London and Duncan was fine on the first short flight from Belfast but very distressed on the second leg of the journey. He had it in mind that once we arrived in London, Disney World would be just a taxi drive away. (This was a reasonable assumption since it's what had happened when we'd gone to Disneyland Paris.) The flight was delayed at London and we had paid to wait in a lounge (Virgin V Room) with good facilities for families. I'd hoped that as Duncan played about loads in the soft play room, he'd be tired and fall asleep on the plane. But he didn't even want to board the cavernous and to him, scary Virgin plane. I'd opted to sit in the bulkhead seats with him thinking that we'd have slightly more space and no one in front to be bothered by his kicking their seatback. These seats are sought after and were allocated to us because of Duncan's disability. However they were a bad choice. We were sitting next to a baby who cried which upset Duncan. The little girl sitting next to me had a packet of sweets of higher value to Duncan than the hard lollies I'd packed for him to suck. We were also exposed to the rude and contemptuous stares of strangers all around. Duncan fussed and whined and occasionally wailed for HOURS and the poor child was so unhappy. I was worn out and the attitude of other passengers near us added to his distress and my stress.

Before boarding the return flight, I had him sit in his stroller and I pushed him about the airport for ages until the plane was ready. It was an evening flight and I tried to keep stimulation to a minimum. We opted for seats in a row of 3 alongside the galley which reduced the number of other people near us. Duncan sat between me and his dad and the other 2 children had to sit alone beside a stranger behind us. I knew that I had to have Duncan surrounded by people who cared and protected from the looks and tuts of paediaphobes/disabled people haters. It was an evening flight and he'd had plenty to eat and been active all day, but was chilled out and relaxed from being pushed about in the stroller. I'd changed him into comfortable clothes and brushed his teeth. When we sat on the plane, I cuddled him and his dad stroked his feet and he fell asleep before we'd left the runway. Success!

This time I have planned like a general. I've booked a flight from Dublin direct to Orlando so no transfer worries. I plan to take some of his absolute favourite sweets and snacks. There are times to worry about healthy eating but when you're in a metal box hurtling along 12km up in the air, that's not the time. Just do what it takes to get by. I will have DS games and his Gameboy. I will fill my Ipod with his favourite movies in case the in flight entertainment is inadequate. I am making him a book showing exactly what will happen at each stage of the journey from leaving our home to arriving at the villa. He will have a travel bag with some favourite small toys and books as well as colouring pens and a notebook in case I need to write out or draw further instructions. We have arranged to sit so as to have Duncan as sheltered from strangers as possible. He will have ear defenders and a neck cushion.

Duncan has outgrown his stroller but he still needs a safe place to retreat to and I need a way of reducing his tendency to run off. I have just received his new and long awaited wheelchair. It's just the right size and will enable us to have a much more relaxed and enjoyable holiday. I've informed the airline of his needs and that he'll be using a wheelchair until we get to the plane. It will make navigating the airports that much easier. I will also use his autism alert card to show any officials who can help us get through the potentially tricky security and immigration rituals.

Best of all my sister is coming with us this time so there'll be 3 adults and 3 children so everyone will be well cared for. I want this to be fun for him and the others, so I will try to be alert but not stressed. Hopefully all this planning will help me strike the right balance.

Tell you what, I can't flippin' wait!

Complicated

I've been thinking for years about how to deal with some difficulties I face. This has taken so much of my time and energy, it's drained me. I've had no desire to blog while this was foremost in my mind. But thankfully now I have reached a decision I can be...well not happy about, but confident that it's the right one. It's a huge relief to know for certain and to start now making plans to move on with a new phase in my life.

I have missed blogging. I enjoyed keeping this record of my children's development and the silly stuff we get up to as well as sharing my opinions on autism/disability/home education issues with anyone who chooses to read them. It's been an important outlet; writing posts here has often concentrated my mind, forcing me to research issues to be able to write with some knowledge and understanding. It's been a way of making contacts around the world with people with similar interests and of connecting with others writing about their own lives and areas of expertise. I love reading blogs and even when I wasn't writing my own I have continued to read the blogs I've subscribed to, though I've very rarely commented on any. I have stopped reading a few that were just starting to piss me off with their lazy stereotyping, especially those with sexist and (all too often) disablist writing. I just don't have the energy to witness that stuff.
It means I stay away from many mainstream comment sites like CiF on the Guardian and the BBC websites- shudder.

Today I will meet with an education psychologist from the local education board. I want to investigate schooling options for Duncan. I'm not sure whether or not I will enroll him in a school again but will think about it seriously and figure out what he prefers. Thomas too is thinking of starting at school for the 1st time in his life. Lady has no desire to be schooled. I will support their choices.

I'm tired but getting by. I can be proud of how the children are thriving; obviously I am more than coping, despite the fact that my home is only rarely tidy and there's a long list of home repairs needing to be dealt with.

Also, the whole family is lucky enough to be going to Disney World for a fortnight in February. I'll be sure to see that the children have a fabulous time. It'd be very hard not to!

New Moon, headbanging and thinking for oneself

Duncan continues to take great pleasure in producing various pictures of Chuckie from the Rugrats. Is it perseveration? Do I care? Each picture is different in at least some small way. I think they're cute and funny and witty.

Thomas doesn't like to draw. He'd rather do maths or count the money in his Tardis money box. (I don't mean it's bigger on the inside, it's just shaped like a Tardis.) We've been doing some P4 stuff on Education City (free trial) and he's acing it all. Lady has used that site too and they both quite like it so I might subscribe. Does anyone have a code they want to share?

He's also decided he wants to try school after we return from our holiday in February (2 weeks in Orlando!) He says that everyone else in the family has been to school at some stage but he never went to nursery or school so he wants to see what it's like. I've been reading the prospectus for various schools and quizzing our friends and neighbours about what they think of the school they/their children go to.

Graham Badman and Ed Balls, do you see what I'm doing here? I'm listening to my child, I'm gathering information to help us both make the best decision about his education. It's not a matter of my rights clashing with his, despite the mistaken way in which you think about parenting and the duty on parents to ensure their child receives an education. If he's happy to go to school and it works out for him, then fine, he goes to school. But if he doesn't like it, he will be deregistered and his education will continue to happen at home and in the community as it has so far with great success.

So what else- we watched the latest Doctor Who, The Waters of Mars which was terrific, and taught that the homeopaths were wrong; water has patience not memory (via @jackofkent). Also, Gordon was in the US for a week but the children were still able to see him thanks to the magic of technology. Here's a screen grab he took from his hotel room in Boston as he spoke to Duncan and I via Google video;

Nice and clear eh!

What wasn't so nice was the cuckoo clock falling off the wall (where I had fixed it-guilt!) somehow and onto Thomas' head. He was sore and bleeding so I called a friend and neighbour who kindly rushed around with her little girl to stay with Duncan and Lady while I took Thomas to get checked out. The bleeding stopped quickly but you don't take chances with bashes to the head. I went to our GP 1st as it's very close and told the receptionist what had happened, her question floored me (not really) -"Does he have an appointment?" Yes really!

She advised me to take him to the Minor Injury clinic in town so I did and he was seen and sorted very quickly. Thankfully there was no evidence of serious harm and he didn't even need a stitch.

The following morning my neighbour minded my children again while I met with a psychologist to discuss Duncan and to seek advice on issues I wish could help him deal better with, like his impulses and angst driven shouting. I don't know how useful it will be. She used the word "behaviours" which I dislike intensely. I've been given an assessment form to fill in; ABAS II for those familiar with such things. It's interesting, but leaves no space to detail many of the skills and abilities he does possess, but I suppose they are deemed "non-functional" or something.

Lady continues to work hard at gymnastics. She trains for over 15 hours a week and loves it. I watched her at cheer-leading on Saturday and was so proud of her strength and poise. Her acro partner and sister are visiting today, no doubt they'll be showing off to me on the trampoline.
I took Lady and her close friend (who lives next door) to see New Moon, that Twilight film yesterday. Oh my, what hokum. The girls enjoyed it even as they were laughing at how silly so much of it is. That Bella Swan girl is so pathetic, glum and wan. She never does anything but mope and have nightmares. Has she no hobbies? Her face would break if she cracked a smile. The girls can easily see she's taken all that first and fiery love thing too far- jumping off cliffs and riding motor bikes with no helmet just to produce ghostly ticking-offs from Mr Chalky.
They both thought Jacob the were-boy was the better bet, if forced to choose and I think they're right. Both have acknowledged the inherent ridiculousness of getting involved with anyone who could either claw or bite you to death at any moment and do not think it's romantic, just that it makes (for them) for an engaging fantasy.

I say this as some of the chatter on the Twilight series warns of the danger to girls of thinking that bad boys are best; but I have much more respect for girls' ability to see it for what it is, a rollicking bit of escapist nonsense.

I laughed a lot, and was elbowed fiercely by Lady. It's not supposed to be funny when Edward with his LOW slung trousers starts to unbutton his shirt in the sunshine, but it really was. He has such big hair too, I wonder what product he uses, something specially developed for the dead?

Michael Sheen was great fun as an evil vampire overlord. It was extra delicious since I think of Tony Blair whenever he's on as he's played our previous beloved leader twice in film and will do so again soon I've read. So I was watching and thinking that the evil leader of the vampire council is Tony Blair. Good job he didn't get the European presidency he sought, dread to think what he's have done with the increase in power.

With all this nonsense I end. But having read Mike and Sarah's posts on the latest pile of bile from Minnette Mirrin, I'm rilled up enough and will be back with some whinge blogging imminently.

Accentuate the positive

Life is stressful now more than ever. But something wonderful has been happening and my inability to blog lately means I have not focussed on it as I usually would. My boy Duncan is doing really well. He is happy, settled, more focussed, talks loads, understands speech more and can carry out more complex instructions. His reading ability continues to improve. He has played lots of computer games and uses YouTube instruction videos (which have occasionally increased his vocabulary in less than optimal ways) when he gets stuck since he knows I'm no help. He also gets his brother Thomas to help him out now and then. The two boys are getting along really well. They have so much fun together though obviously they wind each other up at times too!

Lady is growing up fast. She has a lot to deal with, more than many children her age and as usual, she's amazing. This is such a fraught time for her, as she figures out just who she is and what her values are. She's asserting her individuality and I have to keep supporting and when needed, safeguarding her. Roots then wings and all that!

As for me, I will try to work out what is right and then to find the strength to do it. Nobody said it was easy, but I didn't know that it could be this hard either.

Forge ahead

I've neglected to blog much over the past 2 months, and have been thinking about what I want to write here. I feel like I share too much sometimes, but also that there's much that I keep hidden. The past few months have been a time of personal reflection on what it is I need and want and how I can raise my children in an atmosphere of love and possibility. In recent years I have reconsidered many of my values and ideas about the world and with new insight, have discarded many assumptions and taken new notions on-board. This is the real voyage, it's scary and exciting but it will continue as long as live. I hope.

Photo owned by wili_hybrid (cc)

Flipping and cycling

We had a sporty weekend. Thomas and Lady had their jujitsu class after which Lady tried out to join the new competition squad set up by her cheerleading group. Thomas and I watched and she was great. Afterwards one of the coaches I didn't know asked if she'd like to join 2 other squad classes, in tumbling and acrobatics. Hell yeah! She is so keen on her gymnastics and has for ages been hoping that a time may come when she could join a squad. She is very happy and I am proud of her. She will be doing over 7 hours a week of gymnastics and would happily do twice that. Flipping ace!

Gordon got bike racks for the car so we can fit all 5 bikes on and head off to various cycle start points. After lunch we drove to Comber and rode the Greenway into Belfast. It was a beautiful day and there were plenty of other people using the path, causing me to repeat the instruction "keep left" many times, along with old favourites like "slow down Duncan!" and "be careful, don't bump into the people/dog/child" as needed. There are few spots where the cycle path crosses a road so I had to be aware and make sure the boy didn't just ride on out without looking. It went well though. We did have to divert off the path to buy drinks for thirsty children as I'd left our own bottles in the car. But we made it all the way to Belfast.

Our final destination was McD's in a shopping centre. Duncan made another diversion into an electronics shop where he'd previously spied a Sonic PC game. The child never forgets. I allowed him to buy it and then we had to get to the (ahem) restaurant. Gordon and Thomas had gone on ahead (loo emergency) and I couldn't see where to go. Thankfully the curly haired sat nav that is Duncan took the lead. There was a hairy moment when he rode in front of a car pulling out of the carpark, thankfully it was going very slowly but it made me scared for a while and I stuck even closer to him.

We all went in, ordered and ate. Duncan sat and had burger and chips, interspersed with mouth fulls of ice-cream. It was, to use behaviourist speak, very good sitting. Clearly getting him well tired out is the key to family dining in public. He got a bit fed up by the end and shouted a little about something or other, certainly nothing too unusual given the generally high screaming child background noise of our location, but two girls in the booth next to us seemed to find it, to use Thomas's favourite word, fascinating and stared constantly.

The journey back was even easier as there were fewer people on the path. Lady and Thomas were marvellous as always, just got on and had fun. Duncan and I were last back. He was very pleased with himself, telling me that he was the fastest, the strongest and the proudest boy on the bike path! It was all very nice, but my backend hurt!

Next day I was lackadaisically lolling around as is my right on a Sunday when I remembered Lady's acrobatics class. We dashed off in the car, as fast as possible when the car was laden with bikes, and drove to the gymnastics hall. Sadly silly me hadn't looked at the timetable properly and I was at the wrong place. Lady was nervous about the new class and stressed at being so late. We got to the right place and she didn't want to go in at first but thankfully she changed her mind and really enjoyed the more advanced class. I am delighted that she has such a strong interest in a sport and that her persistence and effort is paying off.

As I write, Thomas is practising the splits on my bed wearing his band new leotard and shorts combo and he looks so adorable. He had a haircut on Saturday, had to be done since he'd tried the DIY approach and now it's really short. It suits him though. His gymnastics class is on this afternoon, and after that, Lady's first tumbling class. I'm going to be doing even more mum-taxi jobs than before. It's a good job I don't have the school runs to cope with also or I'd have to move into the car full time.

Summer Ends

The summer holidays have ended and for a few hours each day, my lot are just about the only children around not in school or nursery. We needed new wellies; walks through the forest and down to the beach tend to leave one's footwear rather mucky from September onwards. So we went to the shops and noticed for the first time in months how we stuck out, even more than usual.

But since so many of their friends are in school and not tearing up and down the streets on bikes, my children were content to settle to some reading, writing and 'rithmetic (or Mathematics, as Thomas says gravely) and that sort of thing. As usual though the best part of their learning comes through conversation, asking questions, playing their games, reading, watching TV and whatever takes their fancy at any particular time.

Duncan has discovered Mr Men so has started collecting the books, watching the films, playing games on the PC and making pictures. He's quite taken with Sonic the Hedgehog too, and he and Thomas take turns to play a PC demo game he downloaded. Duncan gets Thomas to help him with the trickier parts. Sometimes he gets distressed when it's not going well. He's been distressed a lot about something or other these past few months. It's been hard for him and I lost a bit of my coping mojo for a while there (hence the lack of blogdom). So he was sad, and I was grouchy, making him sad and screamy making me tired and head-achy and so on.

But I discovered a great cure for these feelings of stress and inadequacy on the internet; a 3 night holiday in Portugal. Actually my sister found it for us. In an astonishing coincidence, she needed a bit of respite from life's arrows just now too! We both went to stay in a posh hotel where we lazed in the shade from a hot sun by the pool/beach, swam a couple of times, dined well, drank a bit and strolled a little and I read 3.5 mostly lowbrow books. It was the laziest most relaxing holiday I have ever had and it was marvellous. On our last visit to the beach we thought it wise to get off our backsides and go parasailing. But there were no slots left for us, so we stupidly handed over money to have some youngsters pull us behind the boat as we sat side by side on an inflatable dingy thing. I was not 100% sure I wasn't going to die while out there, gripping the handles and bracing with my legs as I fought to stop myself from crashing into the sea as we bashed and bumped our way through the surf. It was nice enough when they slowed down and went straight but mostly, it was hellish. Afterwards our arms ached and shook and even now, there's pain in many parts as I recover from that self inflicted ordeal. At least, I forgot my troubles utterly while it was happening as I focused only on the path of sea in front of me.

I returned to my family, a bit sorer, more freckled, but relaxed and ready to work. They'd all had a lovely time without me. They'd been for long bike ride on one of the days and Gordon enjoyed spending more time with the children than usual.

I'll be happy to get back into our normal life groove and hope to do more blog reading and writing again.

Thomas chooses life

I'm tucking Thomas in to bed and he says, "if it was a choice between you dying and me dying, I'd want to die because I love you more than I love myself."
(Really, I think it's his fear of living without me.)
I say that I hope neither of us has to die any time soon, but I'm a lot older and have had more time so given the choice, I'd want him to have a chance to grow up.

He says, "for Melanie and Ricky, I think it'd be hard."
I ask who they are. He says they're some of the children he's going to have. "When they're both about 11, it's be hard for me to, you know, choose one. It'd be hard for you too wouldn't it, if you had to choose between me and Lady and Duncan?"

I assure him that it would be impossibly difficult as I love them all.
Then we share the final hug of the night.


For more of the boy's insights, including why the USA is so special, see his newly launched blog which he's called, Mega World, "because the world is very big after all."

Lady's birthday

Lady with her Grandma and Pippi.

My girl is growing up!

A week has passed since Lady turned 11. I still don't understand how I can have so old a daughter! We celebrated with a party, friends, a clown boucy castle, copious quantities of junk food, party poppers and two home made cakes. Best of all, her BFF (best friend forever for those who don't speak Girl) and her sister came over from London for a few days with their mum. It's been 2 years since they last visited so we were very happy to have them over again. The girls had a few hours to reconnect, then the rest of the party people arrived. It turned out to be a grand day, fine weather, great company, lovely gifts (thanks all!) and a bunch of happy sweet children running about keeping themselves busy.

Some of us went for a walk to the beach that evening. The girls played on the beach taking a heck of a long time to leave when I was ready to go home. Eventually they appeared, muck to the eyeballs, having climbed about the rock pools and grass and fallen into what Lady dramatically called "a trench."

The following day, I drove Lady, her friends and their mum to Delamont Park, a favourite of ours. The children went on the miniature railway then did their thing in the adventure playground while we mums drank a warm, brown drink we'd been told was coffee. Then we walked about a bit, enjoyed the scenery, took photos by the lake then watched as the clouds lowered to eclipse the view and we went back to the car, damp and hungry.

Then off to Downpatrick where we had lunch in the St Patrick's Visitor centre. The girls ran about the garden for a while then browsed the shop but we didn't bother with the exhibits.

I'd never taken the ferry from Strangford to Portaferry so took a detour that way. Then, not altogether on purpose, I drove up the east side of the Ards Peninsula, where the nice views were sadly spoiled by a glut of flags in many of the villages. These places could be so much more welcoming to visitors like my friends, places we'd want to stop off in, if more of the residents could see themselves as outsiders might.

Our visitors had to go home the next morning. It had been just lovely to have them over. There have been secrets and gossip shared, promises made and some close and special friendships renewed.

Scooting all the way

My Dad called around just after lunchtime. Lady and Thomas were at the leisure centre for summer scheme, so only myself and Duncan were at home. We decided to go for a walk after having a cup of tea, but there came an almighty shower of rain. Ach well, we thought, it's only rain. What do you expect in Ireland. I took a couple of raincoats for myself and Duncan, packed Pippi's poop pick up bags and off we went, 3 humans and a dog. Or rather, since Duncan was categorising his family members as either human or elf yesterday, one elf, two humans and a dog.

Where we were.

Despite the earlier rain, it was a beautiful, clear and sunny afternoon. Before long I was too hot to wear my raincoat so tied it and Duncan's about my waist. I should have taken a bag. I had intended to walk part of the way along the coast towards the next town and then turn home with Duncan while Dad carried on and got a train home. But Duncan was away ahead on his trusty (and rusty) scooter and had no intention of stopping. I had to jog a few times to reduce the gap between us and often was to heard roaring after him, "DUNCAN, STOP! WAIT!" no doubt to the delight of other walkers. I always announce our presence when we're out and about.

It's a fair way to the town, taking an hour of fast walking to get there. Once there I lost sight of the boy for a while as it became more crowded and there were many more options of places he could go to. I ran to catch up (phew) and it turned out he was still tootling along merrily on the coastal path right to the town centre. He had a target in sight- the shop that sells half price ERTL Thomas the Tank trains.

A well placed ice cream van impeded our progress for ten peaceful minutes. Then on to the shop which provided one pretty little Bluebell steam engine. They sell cuckoo clocks there too, except that instead of a bird, they each have a farm animal pop out. The staff recognise Duncan now and always set off the clocks for him to enjoy, which is kind.

Dad waited outside with Pippi, who as usual attracted lots of positive attention. While she barks lots at anyone arriving at out house for the first minutes they're here, she is always impeccably behaved when we go out. She sat and enjoyed the adulation and strokes.

Then on to the park to wait a while until summer scheme finished. We were diverted again for a while to watch a breaker machine tearing up the road in massive chunks. Then I took Duncan into the library to use their facilities, he left his scooter very neatly against the bike rack. Then he raced off again to "the green grove", a rose covered walkway. Dad and I sat on a bench and watched him race about. He went into the play park for a while. I hovered nearby as usual, the park was full of younger children and I needed to be sure he was careful enough. He got on the roundabout with a little girl and pushed it around slowly until she got off then he sped that mother round like it was going to drill into the earth's core. He went on a see saw with a boy whose mum said they were over for the week and live in San Francisco (where Gordon is right now, and loving it!). She remarked that playgrounds here are rather more dangerous hence more fun that in the USA.

By then we had to go to meet the others. Duncan was fading a bit, finally all that exercise was taking a toll. We reached the leisure centre and walked to the train station. I was told that I couldn't take Pippi on without a carrier. Nooo! I was knackered by then and didn't relish the idea of walking home. The inspector went to ask the train's guard if he'd allow a one-off exception and thanks be, he said yes, so long as Pips didn't go on the seats. No problem there, I just held her on my lap. I will buy some sort of light collapsible carrier for future use.

We said bye to Dad on the train as he carried on the his house. Home again at last, and time to get the dinner on.

Notes from the week

The first week of summer scheme was a great success. Thomas informed me that it was excellent and that he didn't even know he'd make some new best friends. He's especially keen on a boy whom he likes because he's kind, funny and thinks Thomas is funny too. I thought those particularly good qualities to look for in a friend. Lady told me that Thomas is hanging out with a few other boys his age who run around saying, "uh oh, spaghetti-o!" which is Thomas' new catch phrase. There are worse things he could have taught them! His other new thing is to describe everything, deadpan style as, "fascinating." I don't know where he gets these things.

Lady has joined a group of pals all into sporty stuff. She loved the swimming, badminton and gymnastics best. I'm happy that they're both enjoying it.

Duncan and I had 3 quiet days together. We did a few tasks in town, chilled out at home, cooked chicken, printed out more pages for his Thomas the Tank books and went for lovely walks in the forest with Pippi dog. We also went to see the paediatrician and unlike the last time (hellish) it all went so well. The paediatrician wanted to review his progress since starting the medication. However he only took it for a month to no discernible effect. I thought about increasing the dose, after discussing that option on the phone with his doctor, but instead decided to stop giving it to him. By then the weather was better and we've been outside a lot more which helps him burn off his pent up energy and like all of us, he's happier when it's nicer outside.

He found a Thomas the Tank book in the waiting room so spent his time in the doctor's office avidly looking through it, reading out little lines now and then. I was so much more aware than ever before of talking about him in front of him, and trying to save his potential embarrassment. He was listening carefully even though he appeared not to and told me "that's enough" when I told some anecdote or other.

We went to the funfair for a while on Saturday while Lady had her cheer leading class. I took Thomas on the waltzer. Sweet mother, never before have I experienced a ride so fast. It went on for ages, kept slowing down giving me a false sense of relief that it was finally over, only to speed up again. It was like some sort of metaphor for life. Thomas was shaking when we alighted, but got his nerve up enough to sit by Gordon on the bumper cars while I accompanied Duncan. He "helped" me steer and we'd a great laugh. It was the only ride he wanted to go on, he just watched the rest.

On Sunday morning Duncan asked me to take him and Pippi for a walk. He specifically requested that the rest of the family not come! We walked for a couple of miles in the forest park and out near the shop. I had no money with me and he was content to just walk past and not go in. It was really nice. He took his scooter and was a little way in front of me. He pushed the scooter up one especially steep and bumpy hill saying as he went, "this is very hard work. Will I ever see the top!" Then nearing the road he took Pippi's lead and I carried the scooter. She kept digging in her heels and looking back to see where I was which limited his ability and desire to race off.

Later, Gordon's mum came over to babysit while he and I went shopping for clothes he needed. He's off to San Fransisco on Wednesday for a week long conference so he's got to look sharp. I'm well used to being the only adult about. But perhaps some time soon I'll get to switch the roles, at least occasionally.

Child swap

My brother and I swapped offspring for the weekend. I drove a car load of children west to his place on Friday, leaving for home a few hours later without Thomas, who was staying with his favourite male cousin C. and with an extra girl, my 12 year old niece A.

A. is big into animals. There's nothing she likes better than to go hoking in the great outdoors for critters. Unsurprisingly Pippi was a big hit with her. The girls chatted until late, then awoke very early next morning. By 6am they were outside on the trampoline. I didn't mind, they're both big enough to get their own breakfast and I let them know I'd be getting a couple more hours of sleep myself.

They went for walks, and took the train into town unaccompanied. They visited the funfair and Lady returned with an outfit she's bought with the money I'd given them. She was starving though having chosen clothes over lunch. They walked to the beach and chatted and chatted.

Next morning I took them to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. We'd already seen it on the day of release but went again as A. was keen to see it too. I enjoyed it more 2nd time around as I wasn't so caught up in seeing how they'd translate the book, and enjoying it more on it's own merits as a film. The girls laughed a lot and A. was sobbing her little heart out at the end. Bless! Lady doesn't cry at films, she can't get too moved by what's not real. She doesn't take after her mum in that; I get all choked up for the silliest thing. Lady explained to me once that she doesn't get upset by scary scenes either as she just imagines all the film crew just outside the action. So much logic...

We dined at Ikea then they were off again, to the swimming pool. Their grandparents came over for a visit in the afternoon and we had a lovely few hours together. Duncan didn't want them to go home, "don't leave me!" he pleaded with his hands plaintively at his face. It was clearly something he'd seen on film!

Today my brother and his family all arrived here with Thomas. We had lunch and baby E. bum shuffled all over. She too was delighted with Pippi. She had a good ould poke and stroke at the dog, who was, after she got her traditional loud barking greeting out of the way, remarkably well behaved and tolerant. All the same, I watched her closely.

Thomas is just having a nice bath. He doesn't like to bathe in other people's houses. He had been a big hit with everyone, though they think he's really funny with his serious nature and forthright views. He ate everything he was given but announced that he preferred the food at home (in fact, he said he likes his Dad's cooking best. Humph.) On being asked in the shop if he wanted donuts, he said, "oh yes. They're my favourite type of junk food." It was an untypical response.
But he's so very like his dad, a little professor type. And I know how that can read. Perhaps he does have a few BAPs. I think we all do in this family. We're a happy, bappy lot.