Why She Left

A couple of years ago I wrote a post explaining why someone like Nigella Lawson, smart, beautiful and successful, might stay with a man who is abusive.

Today, based on that list, I will share some of the reasons why someone might opt to end a relationship with an abuser:

• She's concerned about the impact living in such a poisonous environment is having on her children.
• She's seen her children fall victim to some of the tactics used on her.
• She knows now what this is- she's had support from people and professionals who've helped her to identify the mind games and manipulation.
• She has the support of those who have known and cared for her all her life.
• She knows that she deserves a better life.
• She's almost 40 and the thought of waking up at 45 still living like this turns her stomach.
• She's still afraid, but has clarity of thought, is still guilty about her children but is free from obligation to a grown adult.
• She's liberated from focussing on his concerns, needs, complaints, wants. She's giving nothing more.
• She has had enough of the incidents, explosions, hurts and humiliations.
• She started to keep track of what was happening.
• The emotional bond she once had to him has broken. That last link finally snapped.
• She welcomes change, knows things will be hard but will improve with time.
• She would rather be alone than with the wrong person.
• She's immune to the apologies, promises that he loves her, that he'll change and do whatever it takes to make things OK.
• The false hope has finally died.
• She retains her values and principles and knows that she couldn't have fought any harder to make it work.
• She wants to enjoy life.

It can be difficult when you're enmeshed to find clarity and make concrete plans. For anyone who is lost in a fog of fear, guilt and anxiety- get help from a domestic abuse organisation. They will help you to make plans and stay as safe as possible. 

Why She Stayed

I posted on Facebook about the photos of Nigella Lawson having her neck squeezed by Charles Saatchi and called him a typical abusive creep for making a statement minimising his behaviour by describing it as merely a "playful tiff". One of my friends said "I just cannot understand why such a smart, beautiful and independently successful woman would have stayed with him throughout torment like this!"

I thought about this and decided to respond here instead of on Facebook.
I don't know why she stayed, only she can answer. But I would be very surprised if at least some of the reasons I shall list don't apply. 

So here is why she and people like her may stay:

• It started out so slowly and insidiously that she didn't realise it was abuse until she was married or much later.
• She thinks that she doesn't deserve better.
• She's afraid, confused, guilty and burdened by obligation.
• He's hurting and needs her love. She can heal him, it's her duty to just keep giving.
• She thinks she's to blame for most of what goes wrong- if she could stop being so emotional and weak things might improve.
• She sees him behave properly in every other situation except with her- it's her fault.
• She minimises incidents, explosions, hurts and humiliations as soon as things get on a more even keel. 
• She feels embarrassed, thinks she overreacts, knows she's not perfect, thinks of herself as too argumentative and combatative. 
• She finds it hard to keep track of what happens.
• She still feels love for her partner- it may turn out that the emotion could more accurately described as pity.
• She's frightened of change, of things getting even worse if she tries to end the relationship.
• She can't imagine how things would be if the marriage ended.
• She's afraid of being alone. 
• She's concerned about the impact on her children.
• She's afraid of what a man with wealth and power could do to her if she tries to leave him, how he could affect her reputation or career. Will he start telling people that she's mentally ill or unstable?
• Sometimes it's fun being with him, she remembers good times they shared, sometimes he acts as though he might actually love her.
• He might apologise, promise that he loves her, he'll change and do whatever it takes to make things ok, but that he can't do it without her. 
• Stockholm syndrome is real- the person causing the hurt may then take care of her, increasing the confusion, making her dependent on him and feeling like she couldn't possibly cope without him.
• His promises keep lighting the hope that things will improve. Hope takes a long time to die.
• Ending a marriage goes against all her values and principles, she thinks that she must fight harder to make it work, give it one more go, try to accept things or be more understanding.
• Ending a marriage means admitting defeat- she must accept that she failed to either pick the right partner or to make a marriage work. She might feel shame especially if she's the only person this has happened to in her family. She might feel shame that people will blame other difficulties in her life for making marriage impossible.

All kinds of women and men can be in abusive relationships. Thankfully sometimes she recognises what's been happening, fights the denial, crushes false hope and with a heck of a lot of help, she gets out of it and makes a far better life without the abusive jerk. But it never stops stinging slightly when people ask "why did she stay?"